My poor mother has recently accepted the fact she may never become a grandmother – at least not anytime soon. She’s being an awfully good sport:

Mom: You’ve heard of DINKs, right? Double Income No Kids? I just realized you’d be an OINK! One Income No Kids! Pretty good, right?

In 2011 I started seeing someone who was in an underground metal band.

Me: He plays Black Doom metal
Dad: (squinting his eyes in incomprehension) Black..DUDE metal???
Mom: No, Michael. DOOM!

Dad: It’s Trump with an asshole for a face. This is the final draft. It took three tries. I wanted the asshole to be realistic. So I googled “anus”…
Me: Ok, I’m eating!!!

The four year old girl that lives next door, Allie, rang my parent’s doorbell and presented them a gift from her family vacation to Colombia.
Allie: I brought you something!
Mom: Ooh, what is it?!
Dad: (guessing) Cocaine.

He later offered to show her how to make pesto: