Mom: Michael! What do we need a half gallon of soy sauce for?!

Dad: We’ll go through it.

Mom: Yeah, in about 50 years!

Me: Dad, it’s taking up like half a shelf in the fridge.

Mom: (sarcastically) But we saved five dollars!

I passed the dining room to find my parents watching South Park while eating dinner.

Me: Mom, I thought you didn’t like watching this stuff?

Mom: I don’t!

Dad: Well it’s better than watching Trump! I can’t stand to look at that smug asshole right now.

Dad proceeds to giggle while watching a race between a Zip Car, a Tesla, Nev Campbell driving a “Canadian concept car powered my female natural gas”, the Timmy! kid dragging a red wagon with his motorized wheelchair, and Matthew Mcconaughey in a Lincoln.

Mom:  Ugh! C’mon, can’t we turn on the local news now, please?

Dad relents and picks up the remote to change the channel.

Me: No, I want to watch this too!

Dad: Ok! See – Kaela wants to watch this too. (puts the remote back down) Bonnee, look! Matthew Mcconaughey’s getting sucked into a worm hole!

My poor mother has recently accepted the fact she may never become a grandmother – at least not anytime soon. She’s being an awfully good sport:

Mom: You’ve heard of DINKs, right? Double Income No Kids? I just realized you’d be an OINK! One Income No Kids! Pretty good, right?

In 2011 I started seeing someone who was in an underground metal band.

Me: He plays Black Doom metal
Dad: (squinting his eyes in incomprehension) Black..DUDE metal???
Mom: No, Michael. DOOM!

Dad: It’s Trump with an asshole for a face. This is the final draft. It took three tries. I wanted the asshole to be realistic. So I googled “anus”…
Me: Ok, I’m eating!!!

The four year old girl that lives next door, Allie, rang my parent’s doorbell and presented them a gift from her family vacation to Colombia.
Allie: I brought you something!
Mom: Ooh, what is it?!
Dad: (guessing) Cocaine.

He later offered to show her how to make pesto:

I’m moving to Chicago next month. So my parents threw me a Chicago themed going away party. It included Chicago style punch, hot dogs, and pizza, most of which they made from scratch.

They also made their own art:

And bought Chicago Bears t-shirts:

“In Chicago, all the relish is artifically green.  I couldn’t find any fake green relish anywhere because everyone is so health conscious here [in San Francisco]. So I bought food coloring and mixed it in!” – Mom:

My dad lecturing the guests on what makes an authentic Chicago hot dog. For example, the bun must have poppy seeds:

I wanted to sell the massage table that’s been sitting in my parent’s garage for ages. I asked my mom to send me pictures of it so I could post it to Craigslist. This is what she sent me:

I called my parents on Friday to ask them when a good time to visit over the weekend was.

Dad: Hold on, let me ask your mother. Oh no wait, she’s taking a sponge bath.
Me: What, she takes those?
Dad: Yeah, she started taking them. We have a new name for her: Sponge Bonnee Squarepants.